Why am I here? The paradox of Involvement

Why would you get involved in a group such as a church?

There are many reasons: the theology, the style of worship, they’re nice people, to meet like-minded others, social connection, for what you can get out of it, for personal or spiritual support, or perhaps it becomes a means to contribute to a broader community … How do I know I will get any of my needs met? After all, I know that others will join the same community for different reasons. Will I be expected to give up my needs for the sake of others? Will I be expected to conform to certain values, beliefs, or behaviours I may not share?

“How does one avoid becoming lost in a group? And if one does get lost, how does one take action to become more or less involved? Likewise, what happens to the group when it loses itself in one of its members or in some subgroup? How does the group take action to determine whether it is investing too much of itself, for little or no benefit, in some activity or concern of an individual part?” (Paradoxes of Group Life, p. 95)

Signs of a codependent relationship:

• Providing money to support a habit.
• Avoiding conflict at all costs even if it means denying that there is even a problem.
• Feeling responsible for your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• Making excuses to cover up your partner’s substance abuse. For example, calling in sick to work for them when they are hung over.
• Saying “yes” to your loved one when you want to say no.
• Providing care for the person when addiction symptoms present physically.
• Putting your partner’s needs above your own.
• Neglecting your own self-care and needs.
• Turning to drugs or alcohol to cope with the stress or dysfunction of the situation. (https://www.caredfor.com/rehab-alumni-app-resources/rehab-alumni-blog/addiction-recovery-breaking-free-from-codependency/)

The slope of codependency:

• Losing sense of self
• Losing sense of control / ability / agency:
• Losing sense of perspective, of life outside the problem, or beyond the problem – hopelessness, resentment, “This is my lot in life” How do we move beyond this?

“One’s ability to take a perspective on oneself depends on one’s ability to get outside of one’s experience while at the same time remaining inside that experience. Although this is extremely difficult, it is essential for growth and is what is meant by the concept of an observing ego at the individual level.” (Paradoxes of Group Life, p. 97)

“We recognize our faults when we learn what sorts of things are wrong, see them in ourselves, admit them, take responsibility for them, and criticize ourselves for them. … We regret our faults when, once we have admitted them and asked with a humble heart for help in giving them up, we stop acting on them and start living a new life in harmony with the rules of kindness and faith.” (The Heavenly City, 160 & 161)

“… people who are involved in self-love cannot know what their dominant love is because they love whatever is theirs and call their evils good. … If they were willing, though, they could still know [their dominant love] from other people who are wise, because these latter see what they themselves do not.” (Heaven and Hell, paragraph 487, section 1)

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:4,5)

The paradox of the Heavenly proprium (self) and freedom:

“Now since everything that a man does from freedom appears to him to be his own for it is of his love, and, as was said above, to act from one’s love is to act from freedom, it follows that conjunction with the Lord makes a man appear to himself to be free and consequently to be master of himself; and the nearer the conjunction with the Lord the more free he seems, and consequently the more he seems to be master of himself. He appears to himself more distinctly to be master of himself because the Divine Love is such that it wills that what is its own should belong to another, thus to a man or to an angel. Such, indeed, is all spiritual love, and pre-eminently the Divine Love. Besides, the Lord never forces anyone, for nothing to which anyone is forced appears as his own; and what does not appear to be his own cannot be his love’s, and so be appropriated to him as his own. Therefore man is led by the Lord continually in freedom, and is also reformed and regenerated in freedom. …” (Divine Providence, paragraph 43, section 2)